please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
