guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
