What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
