It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
