The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
