The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
