I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
