If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
