Plan B is the new Plan A
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
