He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i can't believe i had my finger in that
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
