You made me cry and you don't even care
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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