Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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