it's too hot outside to masturbate.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
