Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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