This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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