i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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