I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
two words...techno handjob
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
