I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I pour the whiskey from now on
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
