Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
