I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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