you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
