did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
