i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
