so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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