I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
