So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
