I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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