The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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