So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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