i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
