i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
