I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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