I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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