Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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