lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
