Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
