if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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