I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
