Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
