I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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