Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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