I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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