The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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