your thong is hanging out like whoa
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
