I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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