If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
