I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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