my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there's paper in my vomit.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
