rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
