oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
