i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
