Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
They have beer where we have blood.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
