i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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