No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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