I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
