Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
