I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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