and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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