dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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