He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
