apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
