when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
